The feels

I've been feeling and suppressing things so much lately and it's starting to boil to the surface.  I've purposely kept busy with work and taking care of everyone else so I don't have to deal with myself, but I can't do it anymore.

One of my aunts (my dad's sister in-law) passed away last week and I had a hard time deciding to go to the funeral.  There were issues between the families going back a couple of generations, but that's not my story to tell.  All I'll say is that there's been distance between the families my whole life.  It was hard during the funeral to not feel anger and resentments.  I wanted closure, but didn't get it until afterwards.

I didn't want to bring up past issues when a family member had passed away, but I finally broke down crying while with one of my cousins.  I told her how I grew up thinking her mom never liked me and how hard that was to know.  She filled in some pieces of the whole story that I wasn't aware of, that helped me understand a little bit and she assured me that no, her mom never hated me, or my family. In fact, she never had anything bad to say about us.  That was quite a relief to hear and now I mourn for what could have been.  It seems like it's been generations of misunderstandings and miscommunications and that makes me mad.

I hate keeping secrets.  Whether unintentionally or not, they destroy relationships.  I guess that's why I'm sad right now.  I feel like I missed out on a whole lifetime with part of my family.  But now that all of the cousins are grown, I'm hoping bridges can be built and we can be more in each other's lives.  Except my aunt.  There's no reconciliation there and I cry for that.  I ache to think about all the memories everyone talked about at the funeral, but they I never experienced.  But maybe if her passing does one good thing, it's opening up that door.

I'm also sad because I miss the person I married.  I still love that person, but he's gone.  It's not the divorce that hurts me so much as wondering what happened to my husband and where did he go?  I keep thinking back to the happy, tender, loving times, but I have to remind myself that he chose another path, one that does not include me.

I also mourn for the kids.  I tried to stay in contact and visit as much as possible, but it got to the point where it was too mentally damaging for me to do so.  And I don't think it's fair for the kids to have their birth mom, their grandma who's been their mom, plus me, plus the girlfriend. How much confusion and back and forth is healthy for children?  But that doesn't mean I don't think about them every day.  I thought I'd be helping the girls when they got married...picking out a dress, helping put the veil on, etc.  I thought I'd be there for the graduations and helping them move to go to college.  I thought I'd be a grandma.

But it was not to be.  Now, if things go as they have been, this other woman will be there for those things.  And that...that kills me.  I was going to do those things.  I wanted to do those things.  I wanted to take them to different countries and show them that there's a whole big world out there.

Shortly before I got married, a friend and I went to see Safe Haven and I completely broke down at the end because of the whole birth mom thing and this other woman coming in there to raise her kids.  I just watched it again for the first time since then and now I brake down because I know what it's like to lose your family.

I could go on and on about all these things that have finally broken the camel's back, but it comes down to mourning someone I never knew and mourning someone I knew but who's no longer here.  And the kids...those precious kids.  Oh, how I loved being a mom, but now I never want to do it again.  I don't think I could.  Same with dating and getting involved with someone new.  I feel like my husband died, not that we got divorced.  Everything reminds me of what was.

But I keep thinking about and rereading the poems of Maya Angelou and they give me strength to keep going.

I am a phenomenal woman, and still I rise.

Gosh Darn Hand of a Witch!

This is my witch hand.  It helps me ponderize.

It also helps me decide if someone's lying to me.

It's very useful when you need an extra hand...

Or finger...

But best of all, my witch hand helps me when someone thows a ball at me and it breaks my nose and I want to break all their bones, but instead I go take care of my nose.

INSOMNIA

I haven't been sleeping much lately, which means that I consume excess amounts of caffeine during the day, which perpetuates the vicious cycle.  Lucky for you, my insomnia means you get another post!  It's a Halloween miracle! 

• I'm developing a serious addiction to first aid supplies.  Walgreens is my new happy place.  Also, and this is hypothetical and NOT AT ALL REAL LIFE, doctors should be aware that when patients are left alone in a room, cabinets will be looked in.  And, still hypothetically speaking, if you leave fun stuff in said cupboards, it may not be there later.  
• I want to make it clear that in yesterday's post, nothing was left to my parents because obviously they died from hantavirus too.
• I also want to make it very clear to my brothers that in that situation, I still want my share of mom and dad's money.  It will be put into a trust that I will leave very specific instructions for.
• And just so everyone knows, I want to be cremated and I don't want a funeral, I want a festival.  A festival of joy and light!  And my favorite foods!  And other stuff!  
• There should be a tattoo booth providing triple spiral tattoos (my tattoo) to everyone who wants one.  Obviously everyone can choose if they want one or not, but the following people have to get one:  Amber, Myrissa, Becca, Casie, Bree, Taryn, Lorri, Bonnie, Jeff and Mark.
• I want my uncle Jeff to officiate at the festivities.
• There should totally be a sweat lodge.
• And a cotton candy machine.
• Ryan Burns will perform an original rap that includes the phrase "get gettin'."
• Everyone should receive a commemorative gift bag containing either a dog or a cat from the animal shelter.  
• My nieces will perform an interpretive dance to Peter Gabriel's "In Your Eyes."
• Other details will be provided at a later date.
• I spent the entire day today stressing about people I left out of yesterday's list.  This is where the trust comes into play...there are experiences I want to leave to certain people, not belongings.  For example, my cousin Erin will be sent on the New Kids on the Block cruise and my friend Ginny will be provided with a year's worth of eyebrow waxing.  And a new pair of shoes.
• I got to spend quality time with my bff Amber tonight.  We met at work years ago.  She trained me and only liked me because her enemy didn't like me.  Oh, and she thought I was a lesbian.  
• It's curious how many people either don't like me or don't know what to make of me when we first meet.  It may be due to my lack of a filter.  And my snarkiness.  But in the end, they usually come around.  Ginny can verify this.
• If you have spent any time around me in the last few months, you know that I'm obsessed with the Adnan Syed case.  In fact, if you've spent any time around me in the last few months, I've probably tried to order you to listen to the Serial podcast so that you will also become obsessed.  Sadly, no one has reached my level of obsession and I hate that I have no one to discuss details with, especially now that I have almost the entire case file.  For the record:
• I don't think he did it.
• I think Don did.
• Avoid the Baltimore PD at all costs because weird things happen there.
• My aunt and uncle used to live in the same area that all of the events took place.
• I plan on visiting them and visiting all related sites.  Except Leakin Park.  That place freaks me out.  Actually, I really want to go to Leakin Park but someone will need to hold my hand the entire time we're there and then sit with me until I fall asleep that night so that I don't get scared because DEAD BODIES!
• When I die from hantavirus I plan on finding out exactly what happened that day and as God is my witness, I will find a way to communicate my findings from the other side.  
• If you have listened to Serial and enjoyed it and also have an obsessive personality like I do, you should check out the multiple subreddits about the case, as well as the Undisclosed, Serial Dynasty, Serially Obsessed, Crime Writers on Serial and Slate's Serial discussion podcasts.  
• Sometimes I listen to old episodes of Undisclosed and Serial as I fall asleep.  Sarah Koenig and Rabia Chaudry have very soothing voices.  In fact, I think I'm going to put one on right now!  G'night, y'all!!

P.S. I know some of you are super bummed that I didn't leave you something or that the only thing I left you were items I originally pilfered from you and am now letting you have back.  Get over it!  I'm not dead yet...there's still time for me to leave you something, and once again, due to my obsessive personality, I've spent far too much time coming up with a new list.

P.P.S.  My apologies to Mark and Jessie, but upon further reflection, I've decided not to leave them my witch hand after all.  I now want my witch hand to be given to Brooklyn.  I think she'll appreciate it as much as I do.

Oh, I forgot this was still here!

Hey, remember when I used to blog on a regular basis?  Yeah, that was a long time ago.  Well, pine for me no longer!  I'm bored and avoiding anything remotely productive and as my 3 long time readers know, that means it's time for some bullet points!  Oh, and fear not, this time my post won't be obnoxiously depressing.  Yay!

• All of my friends at work are significantly younger than me.  I like to regale them with stories of the good ole' days when rabbit ears were a thing and Beyonce was not.
• Things that one or more of them are not familiar with:
• New Kids on the Block
• Columbine
• My So-Called Life
• Jem and the Holograms
• Night games
• The significance of Waco, Texas
• War in Sarajevo
• Kerri friggin' Strug!
• I sent the following text today and I'm very proud of my amusing (and grammatically incorrect) sentence craftsmanship.
• I have to say that if you want your little fairy tale to become reality, you better get to working some of that Southern voodoo shit on R, 'cause if you wait for him to come around on his own, you'll be waiting so long your grandbabies will be having grandbabies and R will be long dead from drowning in his own self pity!
• The mice in the garage appear to have migrated to the house.  I can tell because I can hear them scurrying around in the ceiling above me every night when I'm trying to fall asleep.  And judging by the mouse trap I found the other day that was neither baited nor set, but simply placed on the floor, I don't think anyone else is as concerned about this as I am.  But it's o.k. though, because when we all die from hantavirus, at least we'll all die together.
•  Since we're on the subject, when I finally succumb to the hantavirus (or any other rodent-borne virus, really), my final wishes are as follows:
• All of my books other than my cookbooks, autographed Amy Tans, books my dad wrote and the Harvard Classics, go to Amber.  The cookbooks are to be equally divided between my nieces so that they may keep up the Kull family cookbook collecting tradition.  The Amy Tan books go to them too, with the explanation that I have a thing for Asian women.  Wait, no, don't say that!  Tell them that she was one of my favorite authors, it's important for women to know who they are, they should value their relationship with their mother and any future daughters they may have, there will always be hardships in life but they'll be o.k. if they stand tall with grace and wisdom, take strength from the women around you and finally, Chinese food is delicious.  The copies of the books my dad wrote (and that are personally inscribed to his favorite child, fyi!) should go to my nephews.  The complete set of Harvard classics should be given to my cousin Becky because they were Grandpa Brown's and she understands the importance of never ever getting rid of anything family history-related.  
• My eyeshadow palettes go to Melissa and the rest of my make-up should be given to Amber and Myrissa.
• My doll collection should be divided between my nieces with the stipulation that at least one doll must be displayed at all times so that when they catch the doll's eyes following their every move, they'll remember that Aunt Kimmy is always watching them from above and she'll see every naughty thing they do, especially when they're teenagers.  
• All clothing items that I borrowed from Lorri and conveniently never gave back, should be returned to her.  She also gets first dibs at my clothes and purses.  Except for the sweater I kept from my grandma's clothes-that should go to Jessie.  (Jessie:  you'll know it when you see it-it has shoulder pads, is exceedingly colorful and is from the 80's.  If in doubt, look for something something that could be a Cosby sweater.)  Oh, and the yeti coat!  The yeti coat goes to Melissa. 
• My collection of original pieces of art goes to Matthew and Melissa.
• My collection of oddities (doll head, witch hand, possessed clown marionette, creepy monkey, etc.) goes to Mark and Jessie.
• Meagan gets my blue goose figure and all of my Felicity and Veronica Mars dvds.
• Anything related to stocking the bunker goes to Casie and Bree.  They'll know what to do with it.
• Becca gets my yoga cat sculpture with the understanding that she will never remove the cat's fancy faux-diamond necklace.
• Bonnie gets my Buddha pillow, Alex and Ani bracelets and any phentermine that I might have left when I pass.
• All jewelry should be divided between Jessie and Melissa with the expectation that all of Gigi's vintage costume jewelry will be kept and re-purposed as something cute and etsy-ish.
• My wedding ring should be melted down and made into necklaces for my nieces as a reminder that:
• Your self-worth should never be determined by any outside force or individual.
• Sometimes you'll feel like your world is crashing down around you, but don't let that be an excuse to behave badly.
• If you make a choice and you absolutely know in your heart that it was the right decision, don't second guess yourself if it doesn't turn out how you thought it would.  The most important lessons in life are learned through trials and experiences, not by reading a book or watching a movie.
• Your family and friends love you, so let them help you when you're at your weakest and your burdens are heavy.  Do the same for them when they're in need.
• You might find that there are people in your life that you love with all your heart but being around them becomes so painful that you can't function.  Even though you can't imagine your life without them, you might have to take a step back and that's o.k.  It might be temporary or it might be permanent, but if you aren't o.k. physically, mentally or spiritually, you owe it to yourself to remove yourself from the situation.  Even if they don't understand right away, some day they will.
• When you give your heart to someone there's always the chance that it might end up broken; but wounds heal, tomorrow's a new day and giving love to another person is always a good thing.
• If someone treats you badly it's most likely not even about you; you can't love someone if you don't love yourself.  So when you find yourself being mean to another person, check yourself and remember that words can never be unsaid.  If you're like every other person on this planet, when someone hurts you your instinct will be to hurt them back.  If you take after your Aunt Kimmy, you may find that you're really good at it too!  Just keep in mind that no matter how much you hurt them back, it will never take away your own pain.  If someone throws a ball at you and it breaks your nose, you can break every bone in their body, but you still have a broken nose.  Instead of worrying about the other person, you should probably go take care of your nose because injuries that are left untreated just get worse and worse.  Well, let's be realistic...flip the other person off first and maybe say something about their mother's exceedingly large girth and then go take care of your nose.  (Don't tell your parents I said that, though.)

Well that sure took a turn, didn't it!  I'm going to go ahead and stop now.

So that happened.

I keep meaning to get back to blogging, but I don't know what to say.  Or if I want to say anything.  Clearly I must want to say something, though, since I find myself here!  What I really want to do is scream and shout at Tyler and say/do anything I can to hurt him so that somehow we'll be even, but that's probably not the best choice right now. 

I ended up having to move back to Utah because I couldn't find a decent job in Idaho and leaving the kids is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.  As long as I don't think about them, I'm ok.  As long as I stay busy and don't wonder what they're up to, I can make it through the day.  I've only talked to them once since I left, but I'm going up there this weekend for Trysta's birthday.  Part of me feels selfish and horrible for not calling them more often, but the rest of me realizes that in order for me to go to work every day and function and not break down sobbing all the time, I need to have that distance for right now. 

I'm still not sure how we got to this point.  Tyler once gave me a whole list of all of the ways I had supposedly wronged him.  This was when he he was just staying out until all hours of the night with his "friends" and before I knew he was having an affair.  I now realize that he was looking for any possible reason to excuse his behavior, but at the time I felt horrible.  I even became a completely different person, constantly apologizing and begging him to tell me what I could do to make things better.  I literally feel nauseous when I think about it. 

But . . . life goes on.  I'm back to working for the company I was at before, running a different group home.  I'm in my mid-30s and living with my parents again, but that's ok because it's free and if I'm having a bad moment I don't have to be alone.  Life is all about experiences (good and bad) and now I have a few more stories to tell and hopefully a bit more wisdom. And I would love to end this Kumbaya moment by saying I wish Tyler and his girlfriend well, but I really don't.  Not at all.  I maybe wish them a lack of bad, but I don't wish them well.  Nope!

So much for that!

Well, I guess it's time to make the announcement . . . I'm getting divorced.  Tyler is having an affair.  I found out a couple months ago but was hoping that somehow we'd be able to work things out.  Unfortunately, or fortunately, depending on how you look at it, that's not going to happen.  So . . . now I try to put my life back together.  I'm planning on staying in Idaho to be near the kids because you divorce spouses, not kids.   Any prayers, whether they be for my sanity or for Tyler's junk to fall off, would be much appreciated!

Chocolate Chip Cookies

I got this cookie recipe from a friend probably 15 years ago and it's the only one I use.  I have one copy* of it and I keep misplacing it, so I'm putting it on here for safe keeping!  Should you decide to make it, I like to add extra vanilla to make it extra delicious.

Tricia's Chocolate Chip Cookies

2 3/4 c. flour
1 tsp. baking soda
1 tsp. salt
1 c. butter
3/4 c. sugar
3/4 c. brown sugar
1 tsp. vanilla
2 eggs
chocolate chips

Sift together flour, baking soda and salt.  In a separate bowl, cream together butter and sugars.  Add vanilla and eggs.  Add in dry ingredients and mix.  Add chocolate chips.  Bake at 375 degrees for 9-11 minutes.

*I used to have more than one copy, but six kids means things get ruined really quickly!