The feels

I've been feeling and suppressing things so much lately and it's starting to boil to the surface.  I've purposely kept busy with work and taking care of everyone else so I don't have to deal with myself, but I can't do it anymore.

One of my aunts (my dad's sister in-law) passed away last week and I had a hard time deciding to go to the funeral.  There were issues between the families going back a couple of generations, but that's not my story to tell.  All I'll say is that there's been distance between the families my whole life.  It was hard during the funeral to not feel anger and resentments.  I wanted closure, but didn't get it until afterwards.

I didn't want to bring up past issues when a family member had passed away, but I finally broke down crying while with one of my cousins.  I told her how I grew up thinking her mom never liked me and how hard that was to know.  She filled in some pieces of the whole story that I wasn't aware of, that helped me understand a little bit and she assured me that no, her mom never hated me, or my family. In fact, she never had anything bad to say about us.  That was quite a relief to hear and now I mourn for what could have been.  It seems like it's been generations of misunderstandings and miscommunications and that makes me mad.

I hate keeping secrets.  Whether unintentionally or not, they destroy relationships.  I guess that's why I'm sad right now.  I feel like I missed out on a whole lifetime with part of my family.  But now that all of the cousins are grown, I'm hoping bridges can be built and we can be more in each other's lives.  Except my aunt.  There's no reconciliation there and I cry for that.  I ache to think about all the memories everyone talked about at the funeral, but they I never experienced.  But maybe if her passing does one good thing, it's opening up that door.

I'm also sad because I miss the person I married.  I still love that person, but he's gone.  It's not the divorce that hurts me so much as wondering what happened to my husband and where did he go?  I keep thinking back to the happy, tender, loving times, but I have to remind myself that he chose another path, one that does not include me.

I also mourn for the kids.  I tried to stay in contact and visit as much as possible, but it got to the point where it was too mentally damaging for me to do so.  And I don't think it's fair for the kids to have their birth mom, their grandma who's been their mom, plus me, plus the girlfriend. How much confusion and back and forth is healthy for children?  But that doesn't mean I don't think about them every day.  I thought I'd be helping the girls when they got married...picking out a dress, helping put the veil on, etc.  I thought I'd be there for the graduations and helping them move to go to college.  I thought I'd be a grandma.

But it was not to be.  Now, if things go as they have been, this other woman will be there for those things.  And that...that kills me.  I was going to do those things.  I wanted to do those things.  I wanted to take them to different countries and show them that there's a whole big world out there.

Shortly before I got married, a friend and I went to see Safe Haven and I completely broke down at the end because of the whole birth mom thing and this other woman coming in there to raise her kids.  I just watched it again for the first time since then and now I brake down because I know what it's like to lose your family.

I could go on and on about all these things that have finally broken the camel's back, but it comes down to mourning someone I never knew and mourning someone I knew but who's no longer here.  And the kids...those precious kids.  Oh, how I loved being a mom, but now I never want to do it again.  I don't think I could.  Same with dating and getting involved with someone new.  I feel like my husband died, not that we got divorced.  Everything reminds me of what was.

But I keep thinking about and rereading the poems of Maya Angelou and they give me strength to keep going.

I am a phenomenal woman, and still I rise.

Gosh Darn Hand of a Witch!

This is my witch hand.  It helps me ponderize.

It also helps me decide if someone's lying to me.

It's very useful when you need an extra hand...

Or finger...

But best of all, my witch hand helps me when someone thows a ball at me and it breaks my nose and I want to break all their bones, but instead I go take care of my nose.

INSOMNIA

I haven't been sleeping much lately, which means that I consume excess amounts of caffeine during the day, which perpetuates the vicious cycle.  Lucky for you, my insomnia means you get another post!  It's a Halloween miracle! 

• I'm developing a serious addiction to first aid supplies.  Walgreens is my new happy place.  Also, and this is hypothetical and NOT AT ALL REAL LIFE, doctors should be aware that when patients are left alone in a room, cabinets will be looked in.  And, still hypothetically speaking, if you leave fun stuff in said cupboards, it may not be there later.  
• I want to make it clear that in yesterday's post, nothing was left to my parents because obviously they died from hantavirus too.
• I also want to make it very clear to my brothers that in that situation, I still want my share of mom and dad's money.  It will be put into a trust that I will leave very specific instructions for.
• And just so everyone knows, I want to be cremated and I don't want a funeral, I want a festival.  A festival of joy and light!  And my favorite foods!  And other stuff!  
• There should be a tattoo booth providing triple spiral tattoos (my tattoo) to everyone who wants one.  Obviously everyone can choose if they want one or not, but the following people have to get one:  Amber, Myrissa, Becca, Casie, Bree, Taryn, Lorri, Bonnie, Jeff and Mark.
• I want my uncle Jeff to officiate at the festivities.
• There should totally be a sweat lodge.
• And a cotton candy machine.
• Ryan Burns will perform an original rap that includes the phrase "get gettin'."
• Everyone should receive a commemorative gift bag containing either a dog or a cat from the animal shelter.  
• My nieces will perform an interpretive dance to Peter Gabriel's "In Your Eyes."
• Other details will be provided at a later date.
• I spent the entire day today stressing about people I left out of yesterday's list.  This is where the trust comes into play...there are experiences I want to leave to certain people, not belongings.  For example, my cousin Erin will be sent on the New Kids on the Block cruise and my friend Ginny will be provided with a year's worth of eyebrow waxing.  And a new pair of shoes.
• I got to spend quality time with my bff Amber tonight.  We met at work years ago.  She trained me and only liked me because her enemy didn't like me.  Oh, and she thought I was a lesbian.  
• It's curious how many people either don't like me or don't know what to make of me when we first meet.  It may be due to my lack of a filter.  And my snarkiness.  But in the end, they usually come around.  Ginny can verify this.
• If you have spent any time around me in the last few months, you know that I'm obsessed with the Adnan Syed case.  In fact, if you've spent any time around me in the last few months, I've probably tried to order you to listen to the Serial podcast so that you will also become obsessed.  Sadly, no one has reached my level of obsession and I hate that I have no one to discuss details with, especially now that I have almost the entire case file.  For the record:
• I don't think he did it.
• I think Don did.
• Avoid the Baltimore PD at all costs because weird things happen there.
• My aunt and uncle used to live in the same area that all of the events took place.
• I plan on visiting them and visiting all related sites.  Except Leakin Park.  That place freaks me out.  Actually, I really want to go to Leakin Park but someone will need to hold my hand the entire time we're there and then sit with me until I fall asleep that night so that I don't get scared because DEAD BODIES!
• When I die from hantavirus I plan on finding out exactly what happened that day and as God is my witness, I will find a way to communicate my findings from the other side.  
• If you have listened to Serial and enjoyed it and also have an obsessive personality like I do, you should check out the multiple subreddits about the case, as well as the Undisclosed, Serial Dynasty, Serially Obsessed, Crime Writers on Serial and Slate's Serial discussion podcasts.  
• Sometimes I listen to old episodes of Undisclosed and Serial as I fall asleep.  Sarah Koenig and Rabia Chaudry have very soothing voices.  In fact, I think I'm going to put one on right now!  G'night, y'all!!

P.S. I know some of you are super bummed that I didn't leave you something or that the only thing I left you were items I originally pilfered from you and am now letting you have back.  Get over it!  I'm not dead yet...there's still time for me to leave you something, and once again, due to my obsessive personality, I've spent far too much time coming up with a new list.

P.P.S.  My apologies to Mark and Jessie, but upon further reflection, I've decided not to leave them my witch hand after all.  I now want my witch hand to be given to Brooklyn.  I think she'll appreciate it as much as I do.

Oh, I forgot this was still here!

Hey, remember when I used to blog on a regular basis?  Yeah, that was a long time ago.  Well, pine for me no longer!  I'm bored and avoiding anything remotely productive and as my 3 long time readers know, that means it's time for some bullet points!  Oh, and fear not, this time my post won't be obnoxiously depressing.  Yay!

• All of my friends at work are significantly younger than me.  I like to regale them with stories of the good ole' days when rabbit ears were a thing and Beyonce was not.
• Things that one or more of them are not familiar with:
• New Kids on the Block
• Columbine
• My So-Called Life
• Jem and the Holograms
• Night games
• The significance of Waco, Texas
• War in Sarajevo
• Kerri friggin' Strug!
• I sent the following text today and I'm very proud of my amusing (and grammatically incorrect) sentence craftsmanship.
• I have to say that if you want your little fairy tale to become reality, you better get to working some of that Southern voodoo shit on R, 'cause if you wait for him to come around on his own, you'll be waiting so long your grandbabies will be having grandbabies and R will be long dead from drowning in his own self pity!
• The mice in the garage appear to have migrated to the house.  I can tell because I can hear them scurrying around in the ceiling above me every night when I'm trying to fall asleep.  And judging by the mouse trap I found the other day that was neither baited nor set, but simply placed on the floor, I don't think anyone else is as concerned about this as I am.  But it's o.k. though, because when we all die from hantavirus, at least we'll all die together.
•  Since we're on the subject, when I finally succumb to the hantavirus (or any other rodent-borne virus, really), my final wishes are as follows:
• All of my books other than my cookbooks, autographed Amy Tans, books my dad wrote and the Harvard Classics, go to Amber.  The cookbooks are to be equally divided between my nieces so that they may keep up the Kull family cookbook collecting tradition.  The Amy Tan books go to them too, with the explanation that I have a thing for Asian women.  Wait, no, don't say that!  Tell them that she was one of my favorite authors, it's important for women to know who they are, they should value their relationship with their mother and any future daughters they may have, there will always be hardships in life but they'll be o.k. if they stand tall with grace and wisdom, take strength from the women around you and finally, Chinese food is delicious.  The copies of the books my dad wrote (and that are personally inscribed to his favorite child, fyi!) should go to my nephews.  The complete set of Harvard classics should be given to my cousin Becky because they were Grandpa Brown's and she understands the importance of never ever getting rid of anything family history-related.  
• My eyeshadow palettes go to Melissa and the rest of my make-up should be given to Amber and Myrissa.
• My doll collection should be divided between my nieces with the stipulation that at least one doll must be displayed at all times so that when they catch the doll's eyes following their every move, they'll remember that Aunt Kimmy is always watching them from above and she'll see every naughty thing they do, especially when they're teenagers.  
• All clothing items that I borrowed from Lorri and conveniently never gave back, should be returned to her.  She also gets first dibs at my clothes and purses.  Except for the sweater I kept from my grandma's clothes-that should go to Jessie.  (Jessie:  you'll know it when you see it-it has shoulder pads, is exceedingly colorful and is from the 80's.  If in doubt, look for something something that could be a Cosby sweater.)  Oh, and the yeti coat!  The yeti coat goes to Melissa. 
• My collection of original pieces of art goes to Matthew and Melissa.
• My collection of oddities (doll head, witch hand, possessed clown marionette, creepy monkey, etc.) goes to Mark and Jessie.
• Meagan gets my blue goose figure and all of my Felicity and Veronica Mars dvds.
• Anything related to stocking the bunker goes to Casie and Bree.  They'll know what to do with it.
• Becca gets my yoga cat sculpture with the understanding that she will never remove the cat's fancy faux-diamond necklace.
• Bonnie gets my Buddha pillow, Alex and Ani bracelets and any phentermine that I might have left when I pass.
• All jewelry should be divided between Jessie and Melissa with the expectation that all of Gigi's vintage costume jewelry will be kept and re-purposed as something cute and etsy-ish.
• My wedding ring should be melted down and made into necklaces for my nieces as a reminder that:
• Your self-worth should never be determined by any outside force or individual.
• Sometimes you'll feel like your world is crashing down around you, but don't let that be an excuse to behave badly.
• If you make a choice and you absolutely know in your heart that it was the right decision, don't second guess yourself if it doesn't turn out how you thought it would.  The most important lessons in life are learned through trials and experiences, not by reading a book or watching a movie.
• Your family and friends love you, so let them help you when you're at your weakest and your burdens are heavy.  Do the same for them when they're in need.
• You might find that there are people in your life that you love with all your heart but being around them becomes so painful that you can't function.  Even though you can't imagine your life without them, you might have to take a step back and that's o.k.  It might be temporary or it might be permanent, but if you aren't o.k. physically, mentally or spiritually, you owe it to yourself to remove yourself from the situation.  Even if they don't understand right away, some day they will.
• When you give your heart to someone there's always the chance that it might end up broken; but wounds heal, tomorrow's a new day and giving love to another person is always a good thing.
• If someone treats you badly it's most likely not even about you; you can't love someone if you don't love yourself.  So when you find yourself being mean to another person, check yourself and remember that words can never be unsaid.  If you're like every other person on this planet, when someone hurts you your instinct will be to hurt them back.  If you take after your Aunt Kimmy, you may find that you're really good at it too!  Just keep in mind that no matter how much you hurt them back, it will never take away your own pain.  If someone throws a ball at you and it breaks your nose, you can break every bone in their body, but you still have a broken nose.  Instead of worrying about the other person, you should probably go take care of your nose because injuries that are left untreated just get worse and worse.  Well, let's be realistic...flip the other person off first and maybe say something about their mother's exceedingly large girth and then go take care of your nose.  (Don't tell your parents I said that, though.)

Well that sure took a turn, didn't it!  I'm going to go ahead and stop now.

So that happened.

I keep meaning to get back to blogging, but I don't know what to say.  Or if I want to say anything.  Clearly I must want to say something, though, since I find myself here!  What I really want to do is scream and shout at Tyler and say/do anything I can to hurt him so that somehow we'll be even, but that's probably not the best choice right now. 

I ended up having to move back to Utah because I couldn't find a decent job in Idaho and leaving the kids is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.  As long as I don't think about them, I'm ok.  As long as I stay busy and don't wonder what they're up to, I can make it through the day.  I've only talked to them once since I left, but I'm going up there this weekend for Trysta's birthday.  Part of me feels selfish and horrible for not calling them more often, but the rest of me realizes that in order for me to go to work every day and function and not break down sobbing all the time, I need to have that distance for right now. 

I'm still not sure how we got to this point.  Tyler once gave me a whole list of all of the ways I had supposedly wronged him.  This was when he he was just staying out until all hours of the night with his "friends" and before I knew he was having an affair.  I now realize that he was looking for any possible reason to excuse his behavior, but at the time I felt horrible.  I even became a completely different person, constantly apologizing and begging him to tell me what I could do to make things better.  I literally feel nauseous when I think about it. 

But . . . life goes on.  I'm back to working for the company I was at before, running a different group home.  I'm in my mid-30s and living with my parents again, but that's ok because it's free and if I'm having a bad moment I don't have to be alone.  Life is all about experiences (good and bad) and now I have a few more stories to tell and hopefully a bit more wisdom. And I would love to end this Kumbaya moment by saying I wish Tyler and his girlfriend well, but I really don't.  Not at all.  I maybe wish them a lack of bad, but I don't wish them well.  Nope!

So much for that!

Well, I guess it's time to make the announcement . . . I'm getting divorced.  Tyler is having an affair.  I found out a couple months ago but was hoping that somehow we'd be able to work things out.  Unfortunately, or fortunately, depending on how you look at it, that's not going to happen.  So . . . now I try to put my life back together.  I'm planning on staying in Idaho to be near the kids because you divorce spouses, not kids.   Any prayers, whether they be for my sanity or for Tyler's junk to fall off, would be much appreciated!

Chocolate Chip Cookies

I got this cookie recipe from a friend probably 15 years ago and it's the only one I use.  I have one copy* of it and I keep misplacing it, so I'm putting it on here for safe keeping!  Should you decide to make it, I like to add extra vanilla to make it extra delicious.

Tricia's Chocolate Chip Cookies

2 3/4 c. flour
1 tsp. baking soda
1 tsp. salt
1 c. butter
3/4 c. sugar
3/4 c. brown sugar
1 tsp. vanilla
2 eggs
chocolate chips

Sift together flour, baking soda and salt.  In a separate bowl, cream together butter and sugars.  Add vanilla and eggs.  Add in dry ingredients and mix.  Add chocolate chips.  Bake at 375 degrees for 9-11 minutes.

*I used to have more than one copy, but six kids means things get ruined really quickly!

Finding fulfillment in motherhood

My cousin, Wendy, wrote this post and this was my reply:

Wow, you're a terrible, horrible person for not feeling fulfillment in motherhood!  What's the matter with you?!?

Haha, just kidding!  I don't either.  I think it's easier to be fulfilled by a job because there are measurable goals and standards.  That's what I'm used to-finishing a project, getting the next raise or promotion, being recognized for my skills, etc.  Transitioning from career woman to mom hasn't been easy, although considering I'm used to working with people with disabilities, raising kids isn't hugely different.  :)

I love staying home with the kids, but at the same time, I don't know that it's hugely fulfilling.  I'm sure this is just my mindset because, like I said, I'm used to measurable goals.  How do you measure if you were successful each day with your family?  Granted, you can totally have a to-do list of things to cross off, but even those things can't always be measured.  Like if I need to clean the bathroom, does it count if the best I can do is pick the dirty clothes up off the floor and make sure there isn't any unflushed poo in the toilet?  Or does it need to be spotless?  In a house with 6 kids, a man and 4 animals, it will never be spotless.  And while part of being a responsible adult and parent is keeping the house clean (or in my case, just managing the mess), do household tasks really have anything to do with being a good mother? 

What defines being a good mother and nurturer?  Not losing your temper?  FAIL!  Making sure your child is potty trained and can count to ten?  FAIL!  Making sure homework is done every day?  FAIL!  Making sure your child is alive at the end of the day and did not suffer any major injuries?  SUCCESS!  See nobody told me about a mother's guilt before I got these kids.  Of course until you experience it, you just don't know.  I work really hard to not sweat the small stuff, but even so, it's hard not to feel guilty when you tell the kids to go watch a show because you want 5 minutes of peace.  Or when one of the kids complain to you that another one hit them and your solution is to tell them to go hit her back.*  (I so wish that I cared more about them hitting each other and calling each other names, but I just don't.  I want to tell them to get over it and I feel like I should put someone in time out or something like that, but I just really don't care.  Like seriously, the world isn't coming to an end because your sister called you stupid.  Get over it and move on!)

And speaking of discipline and naughtiness, how do you decide what's really important and what to ignore?  I lose my temper the most when the kids don't listen and don't do what they're told.  If I have to tell you to do something five times, the shit's gonna hit the fan.  Tyler, on the other hand, loses his temper the most when the kids are mean to each other.  My philosophy is that being mean is part of growing up with siblings and you should get over it.  I can't get upset about everything and I just naturally don't care as much about certain things, so there you go.  Would it be nice if they never said anything mean to each other and just wanted to spend every waking minute together because they loved each other oh, so much?  Yeah, it would, but it would also be creepy and no one likes creepy children. 

So anyway, now that I've rambled on, my point is I liked your post and can relate.  I, too, need to figure out how to find more fulfillment from motherhood.  Or maybe I need to figure out how to turn off the work and goal-oriented part of my brain and just enjoy the ride.

I've been thinking about this topic ever since I wrote the above response and here are some other thoughts:

•  I don't think it's abnormal or wrong to not feel total fulfillment from motherhood.  I don't think it's something you need to try to force either.  Not being fulfilled by something doesn't mean you don't enjoy it.  I enjoy caramel corn, but it doesn't fulfill me.  
• Part of being a well-rounded individual is finding fulfillment in different things at different times in your life.  Those women who are very fulfilled by motherhood right now will eventually find other things to fulfill themselves when their children are grown and out of the house.
• People have different mindsets.  The environment in which I grew up shaped my thinking of the world, my priorities, my mindset and what I find joy in.  Not everyone grew up the way I did and that makes the world an interesting place.
• Should we find joy in being a mother?  It'd probably be a good thing.  Does it have to define us, fulfill us and be the only thing we focus on?  Absolutely not.  
• Stop comparing yourself to other moms and your kids to other kids!!!  I know someone who is so stinkin' competitive when it comes to her child and that has got to be exhausting.  I don't have the time nor the inclination to worry about what miraculous thing your child did.  I also don't give a flying f*#k about your exercise program, what Pinterest masterpiece you made, how wonderful your husband is (who exactly are you trying to convince with all your Facebook posts?) or how fabulous you look in your 10th selfie of the day.  What I do care about is the strange and mysterious smell in my house, the fact that there has been chocolate cupcake smeared into my sheets for the last couple days and the currently unknown location of my Kindle.  

So now that I've rambled on yet again, the conclusion I've come to is that people find fulfillment in different things and that's ok.  I'm ok.  You're ok.  We're all ok. 




*Just so you know, I don't encourage fisticuffs between the children.  When I tell them to hit the other person back, it diffuses the situation and instead of one child being mad and the other one crying, they look at each other and start laughing.  

Photo dump

I'm avoiding cleaning and the children, so here are some pictures for you.

 That one time there was a dead baby mouse on the floor.

That one time I tried to take a picture on the first day of school.

That one time Ethan accidentally wore his sister's too small, flare-legged pants to school.

That one time the mangiest looking cat ever came to live with us.

That one time my cousin came to visit from Georgia.

That one time we carved pumpkins.

 That one time the puppy snuck in with the kittens.

That one time my VMars Kickstarter supporter t-shirt finally came in the mail!

That one time the rabbits were almost burned alive.

That one time I tried to take a decent picture at the Halloween carnival.

That other time I tried to take a decent picture at the Halloween carnival.

 That one time my husband looked extra manly, trying to feed a dying kitten.

That one time the kitten looked dead, but wasn't dead, but then later was actually dead, but I didn't take a picture of that.

 

That one time I asked Tyler to get me some potatoes.

That one time Emma was super cute while she was sleeping.

That one time Spud was super cute while he was sleeping.

That one time Kylee was playing with my phone.

That one time my husband was covered with animals and looking extra manly again.

That one time the cat was hiding, probably from the children.

That one time we needed an exorcist because I swear the devil was possessing Trysta.

That one time it was super cold and there was like an inch of ice on the inside of our window.

P.S. In case it sounded like I was being sarcastic about my husband being manly, I was not. There is nothing sexier than a man taking care of a baby animal!

Cat poop

Oops, slacked off with the blogging again!  At least I have a valid excuse this time.  Since I last wrote we have acquired a plethora of cats, one of which has brand new kittens, which means she is living in our laundry room.  Since acquiring said cats, we have also acquired several piles of poop on the carpet and a vet bill for de-worming and antibiotics.  Good times! 

On the bright side, Jezebel (the cat with the kittens who I've been wanting to steal from my mother-in-law) straight up put the dog in his place.  We usually keep the door to the laundry room and the downstairs closed, but there are six kids, so shiz happens.  Anyway, Stryder managed to make his way through the door that had been left wide open, and discovered his worst nightmare in the form of a mama cat.  When I found him, he was hiding under the bed downstairs, whimpering, and Jezzie was standing guard, not letting him out.  He didn't think it was so funny, but I did!  I feel like this was payback for when he got out and went after the rabbits and I managed to scrape up my arm up trying to get him away.  My arm is now lovely shades of yellow, brown and red.  For the record, it's probably not a good idea to get your arm caught between a large dog hyped up on rabbit fumes and an old, wooden rabbit hutch.  Or any kind of rabbit hutch, for that matter.

Ethan's birthday party plans are coming right along.  I have acquired one decoration and thought about the menu.  Last minute frantic party planning is what motherhood is all about though, right?  I still have several days, so I'm sure something will come together.  In the meantime, I'm trying to get the house clean in anticipation of my parents' arrival on Saturday.  I know they couldn't care less what the house looks like, but I feel like I should at least clean up the animal feces.

Oh hey, in super exciting news, I managed to get the kids on the bus (and one on his way to school with his dad since he couldn't find his shoes in time) without yelling once.  Bam!

It's all in how you look at it

Over the last few months I've learned a lot about adjusting expectations and changing how I look at things.  For example, some people might say my yard is full of weeds and I should do something about it.  I prefer to look at it as we're going green and growing our own rabbit food.  We also have a huge pile of junk in the backyard that may or may not look slightly white trash.  Instead of focusing on the fact that it's a breeding ground for tetanus, I think of it as a pile of stuff that may one day save our lives because, as I was told last weekend, if there is ever a zombie apocalypse, we have an oil drum stand on which to put a barrel full of gasoline.  Nevermind that we don't have a store of gas lying around-we can siphon it from other people's cars.  So you see . . . you can choose to focus on the negative or you can change your perspective and be grateful for what you've got.  It's all about perspective!

To do list

• Stop saying no to everything.  Am I the only one whose immediate reaction to everything a child asks for is "no"?  I need to start looking for reasons to say "yes" instead.
• Remember that I have a husband in addition to six kids.  Poor Tyler is not only on the the back burner these days, but he's on the back burner at some house down the road.  I saw him yesterday for about 10 minutes before he went to work and I was already in bed when he got home last night.  I did manage to wake up enough to ask him how his day was, but I have no idea what his answer was because I fell back asleep.  Maybe when harvest is over we'll be able to spend more time together.
• Plan a birthday party for Ethan.  The little man of the house is turning 7 in two weeks.  I kind of want to do a Duck Dynasty-themed party.  He loves that show as much as I do, so we have mom-son bonding time while watching it.  Happy, happy, happy!  He also loves dinosaurs, though, so maybe a dinosaurs in camo party???  Hey, what about a dinosaur hunting party?!?  The kids can wear camo and "track" the dinosaurs.  I could make dinosaur tracks for them to follow or something.  Am I thinking too much about this?  Should we just have cake and ice cream and call it good?  Does every birthday party really have to have a theme and activities? 
• Put sheets on the bed. I shouldn't be admitting to this because it just shows how lazy I am, but we've been sleeping on the mattress pad for three or four days now.  My reasoning is that when I took the sheets off to wash them, the dog got on the bed and now the mattress pad needs to be washed, but the dog gets on the bed every day, so if I wash the mattress pad now it'll just get dirty again, as will the clean sheets.  Yes, I realize how sad and pathetic my line of thinking is.
• Get new bedding for the rabbits.  The mystery of the wheezing rabbit has been solved.  I put down extra bedding for them last night because it was supposed to be really cold over night, and Oreo was wheezing again this morning.  The last time he was wheezing new bedding had been put down too.  Apparently you aren't supposed to use cedar shavings for rabbits.  Good to know!
• Do the dishes.  This item just permanently lives on my to do list.  The dishwasher is broken, so right now it's just being used as a very large dish drainer.  This means that everything has to be washed by hand and I swear the kids take a new cup every time they get something to drink.  We run out of kids' bowls and cups every single day.  I've tried having the kids help do the dishes but they just end up playing in the water for an hour.  I should probably put forth more effort to supervise them and teach them how to do the dishes properly, but I just don't care enough to do that. 

Observations

As a follow up to yesterday's entry, I would just like to announce that all of the kids made it onto the bus fully clothed with shoes and a jacket, they all had their backpacks with their completed homework, everyone had a full belly and everyone's hair was done.  Plus the dishes from last night and this morning were all washed.  Pretty much, I made this morning my b*tch. 

Now to move on to my observations on motherhood; both motherhood in general and me as a mom.  It's been an interesting transition from single to instant mom of six and these are a few of the things I've noticed about myself and how I do things.

• I start out the day as kind of a cross between Michelle Duggar and Glinda.  (Are you a good child or a bad child?)  If I'm not careful, I finish out the day more along the lines of Mommie Dearest and Hannibal Lecter.  (If you don't go to bed right this second, I'm going to eat your face off!!!)
• My mood sets the tone for the kids' mood.  
• Because my mood sets their mood, it is extremely important that I take a little break and go elsewhere when I start to get frustrated.  One of the women I admire most in this world told me how she used to take her babies into the bathroom and lock the other kids out so she could get a break.  For me, it's more like leave the babies and take the dog.
• Animals calm me down.  If I am going to be any kind of a decent mother, there must be animals involved.
• I say the following things way too much:
• Get your finger out of your nose.
• Knock it off!
• Come here, let me smell your bum.
• That's too bad . . . life's hard.
• What did I ask you to do?
• Don't make me ask you again.
• Put the shower curtain IN the tub when you take a shower!
• Whose shoes/clothes/backpack/toys are in the middle of the floor?
• Boy, it's a good thing you're cute!
• Go to bed NOW!
• I have got to start remembering that if I leave a sharp knife sitting on the counter or the table, it will be found and it will be played with and there will be blood.
• Clothes can be washed, kids can be bathed, dishes will still be there later and anything clean will shortly be dirty again, but memories of fun times together last forever.  Or at least until dementia sets in.
• I am horrible at following through.  I need to stop making threats that I know I'm not going to follow through on.  Four of the kids sleep downstairs and I'm always yelling down to them that if they don't quiet down and go to sleep, I'm going to come down there and when I do, they won't like it.  In the real world, I'm too lazy to go down there.
• Rewarding is a much better motivator than punishing.  Unfortunately, it also takes more effort, thought and planning.
• Even though they drive me crazy half of the time, I can't stand the thought of being away from my kiddos. 
• The kids are much more forgiving of me and my faults than I deserve.
• Whenever they ask if they can help do something, I try to always let them, even though it probably won't be done the way I want it and it would be quicker and easier to do it myself.  
• As you may have noticed, bedtime is when I struggle the most.  By that point, I'm tired and just want quiet and to get in my own bed.  I'm more of a morning person, so I would rather have them go to bed early and get up early rather than vice versa.
• Speaking of mornings, if my day is going to go at least somewhat smoothly, it is vital that I get up at least half an hour before everyone else.  
• I am constantly telling myself that it's not the end of the world and they'll survive.  So what if the same load of laundry has been sitting in the dryer for two days now . . . it's not the end of the world.  So what if we still don't really have any toys here-there are cardboard boxes, my high heels and Tupperware containers for them to play with . . . they'll survive.  So what if I still have not gotten any thank you notes out . . . I have six kids and people will understand the delay-it's not the end of the world.
• Money will always be tight in the farm world and we'll always be poor, but the kids couldn't care less.  They think it's awesome that they get free lunch at school.  Ethan would actually rather have hand-me-downs because it means that he gets to wear Colton's clothes and Colton is super cool.  I know that at some point they won't be so ok with these things and not having the new, fashionable clothes might be embarrassing, and they probably won't want all their friends to know that they get free lunch, but for right now, life is good in their little world and that's what matters.

Guess who has the internet again!!!

The internet is finally hooked up!  Hooray!

I just got the kids out the door to catch the school bus and it was a bit of a crazy morning.  Potato harvest started today so Tyler had to be out the door at 6am for a meeting.  This means I had to be up at 5:30 to get him out the door since he doesn't seem to be able to get up on time on his own, despite his incredibly annoying alarm going off every 15 minutes.  He left, then I had a few minutes of peace before I had to get the kids up.  We ran out of milk, bread and eggs, so the kids got yogurt and instant oatmeal (which they refused to eat) for breakfast.  I managed to do one child's hair before the dog, who had been bugging me to go outside while I was doing hair, pooped on the carpet.  Whoops-my bad!  I got that cleaned up and went to take the poop outside, when I noticed that one of the rabbits was wheezing like crazy.  No time to deal with it right that second, so I went back in to finish getting kids ready.  Unfortunately, the bus came early, so the kids ran out the door in the following state:

• Ethan had yogurt all over his face, but he did have his backpack which had been missing for most of last week.  We finally found it on Saturday-it had been tucked into the pantry cupboard.  Why, I don't know.
• Lily left with her hair unbrushed and wearing an interesting ensemble.  She put on a fancy black shirt that had sparkles on it.  She wanted to wear it with jean shorts, but I said it looked weird, and she needed to wear pants.  She went and put on white leggings, but the school doesn't let them wear leggings without something over it, so I told her to go get jeans.  She came back with brown jean capris, which looked funny with the shirt.  I told her to either change her shirt or her pants, but then the bus came, so she left with her black, sparkly shirt, brown capris and gray dress shoes.  Hey, at least she had clothes on and her backpack!
• Morgan was actually dressed appropriately and had her backpack, but she had to take her shoes and put them on on the bus.
• Kylee's backpack is now missing.  But her hair was brushed and she was dressed, although she too had to put her shoes on on the bus.  

None of them had jackets.  I still consider this a win, though, because they made it on the bus plus I didn't yell once this morning.  Victory is mine!

P.S.  Trysta had the nastiest poopy diaper this morning.  I was gagging and my eyes were watering.

totally justified

The person who was attacked by a shark off of Maui last week just passed away.  I feel totally justified in not going snorkeling. 

Far too long again!

Alright, once again it has been far too long since I have blogged.  Here's what's happened . . .

• I got married on August 1.
• We went to Hawaii for our honeymoon and our trip happened to coincide with Shark Week.  This led to my decision to NOT go snorkeling.  Come to find out, shortly after we were there, a snorkeler had his arm bitten off about an hour from where we were staying.  Call it silly paranoia or the still, small voice . . . all I know is I still have all my limbs.
• The day we got back from Hawaii, the kids arrived home from the fair with three rabbits.  Their names have changed about 50 times since the day we got them, but I believe they are called Oreo, Sherbet and Stormy.  Or something like that.  All I know is if Oreo/Wild Thing escapes and has to be chased down one more time, we're having rabbit stew for dinner.  I have no problem with the other two and as they are all boys, we will probably be getting some females so they can breed like rabbits.
• Fixing up the house is moving right along.  My goal is to have it ready in the next week and a half so the kids can move in before school starts on September 4.  Here's what's left to do:
• Come up with flooring for our bedroom.  (This can wait.)
• Put the french doors back up that go into our bedroom so that people don't immediately see where the magic happens when they walk in the front door. 
• Paint the ceiling in the living room.  (This can wait.)
• Finish the trim in the kitchen.
• Finish painting the kitchen cabinet doors.
• Come up with flooring for the hallway and babies' room.  (This can wait.  We'll get some throw rugs.)
• Paint the ceiling in the babies' room and kitchen.  (This can wait.)
• Paint the laundry room.
• The bathroom is still a shiz-hole.  Too much to do in here to list.
• Decide what to do about the floors in the basement.  We pulled up the disgusting carpeting and pads and now it's just a cement floor. 
• Sanitize and paint the downstairs.
• Finish unpacking.
• Hook up the internet and tv.  (This cannot wait!)
• My mother-in-law's job ends today, so she'll be able to help me get things whipped into shape.  
• Things are going well with the kids.  When we got back from our honeymoon, they all immediately started calling me mom.  Do all kids preface everything they say with Mom?  "Mom, watch this."  "Mom, did you see that?"  "Mom, can I have a drink?"  "Mom, I have to go to the bathroom."  "Mom, Mom, Mom!"  They did it before too with my actual name, but I guess since I'm not used to being called Mom yet, it's more noticeable.  Stop saying my name and just speak, child!
• Tyler's parent's dog is preggers, so we'll be getting a puppy soon.  I'm also stealing one of their cats, who also happens to be pregnant.  Plus, since I didn't want a puppy, we're still going to get a nice, housebroken dog from the shelter.  Add in the rabbits and their inevitable babies, and we're well on our way to having a farm.  I don't know when we'll get the chickens-we need to fix up the hen house first.
• When I started out with these kids, I wanted them to watch as little tv as possible.  Now I have realized the value of tv and movies.  I choose carefully what they watch, though.  Meaning, they are only allowed to watch what I also want to watch.  I've introduced them to all sorts of stuff from my childhood . . . The Neverending Story, The Princess Bride, Faerie Tale Theater, The Gnome Mobile, etc.  
• I have started sneaking vegetables into their food.  I made meatloaf the other night and added pureed bell peppers to it.  I also added finely chopped cauliflower to their stroganoff.  This seems to be the only way to get them to eat something other than just corn.  Speaking of which, changing corn-filled diapers is nasty.  

pictures

I should be writing an actual post but there's too much to say and not enough time right this second.  Instead, here are some pictures:

Morgan (age 8) at the Fourth of July parade.

My sister-in-law, Ali, with her son, Daxton, and Ava (age 2) at the parade.

Trysta (age 1).

 My friend, Taryn, came over from Star Valley for the Fourth and we had an awesome time!

 

Later in the day we went to a grassy area by Wal-Mart to have a picnic and watch the fireworks.  There was must wrestling and playing around going on.

Lily (age 9)

Taryn with Trysta.

Watching the fireworks.

A canola field near the house.

Potatoes! 

The actual potato plants.

The fields around where we live.

I got a new phone and discovered that it has different filters.  Tyler hard at work.

I get to live here!

I did not do my hair or put make up on once the entire week I was up there.  Can you see the leftover spot from my nasty cold sore?

I cleaned up a lot of the back yard and then started a fire on my own to burn it.  Burn, baby, burn!  The pile of brush was about 7 feet high. 

This stupid pivot got stuck in the mud and Tyler had to dig it out.

Early morning snuggles with Tryst and Ava.

She's so stinkin' cute!

weekly stressfulness update

I spent the weekend in Idaho again and I feel like I was at least semi-productive, so that's a start.  We did get all registered at Target and Bed, Bath and Beyond.  While there aren't a ton of things on our lists, we did find more than I thought.  We also got some more painting done, but not quite as much as I would have liked.  The house is really slow going.  I have realized that just because Tyler is capable of doing certain handymanish things, it doesn't mean he will have time to do them.  Normally work slows down for him around this time of year, before harvest begins, but this year has been crazy.  Pivots have been breaking down left and right.  On Saturday he was only supposed to have checked the water in the morning and again in the evening, but the pivots kept breaking down, so he ended up working pretty much all day.  For those of you who don't know what a pivot is (which included me up until very recently), they are the sprinklers that you see out in the fields.  Not the pipes that lay on the ground, but the ones that are suspended in the air.  They're called pivots because a motor slowly moves them around in a giant circle.  When Tyler has to go check pivots it means that he has to go watch to see if they're still moving.  They tend to get stuck in the dirt and he has to dig them out, or else they stop working and he has to try to figure out what the problem is.  He's gotten to be really good with wiring and electrical stuff.

Tyler's mom ended up getting a seasonal job that starts next week, so I am now going to be going up there to be with the kids after my last day of work on July 3.  Eek!  I'll have them all on my own, which could be really good or a really big disaster.  I'm going to stay up there for about a week, then come back down here for a couple of bridal showers and to move my stuff up there.  Fortunately my family is back in town for a little bit so we're frantically trying to get things done.  Hopefully invitations will be done by tomorrow and sent out this weekend, my wedding dress (that we are hoping and praying I like and fits since I ordered it online) will arrive next Tuesday and we're going to get clothes for the kids purchased this weekend.  Plus other assorted odds and ends.  At this point I have made peace with the fact that everything might not get done.  As long as the major things like a dress, invitations, etc., are taken care of, then I'm not going to worry about the rest.  Or so I'm telling myself!

While I was up there this weekend I had one child say I'm the best mom ever, another say I'm going to be the best mom she's ever had (which is both sweet and sad at the same time) and then I also made two kids cry when I punished them for hitting and pushing each other.  They were supposed to be cleaning up their bedroom, but then one of them hit the other so she shoved him back.  They both ended up in time out and had to clean up different rooms by themselves since they clearly couldn't work together.  I happened to be the only one home with them and I was trying to make dinner at the time, so I'm proud of myself for not losing my cool and handling the situation in an appropriate fashion.  Give me a few more months and I'm sure I'll blow up, but at least for now I'm doing alright with the discipline.  When Tyler got home he asked me if I gave them a swat on the butt.  My thought on that is how am I supposed to tell a child not to hit as I'm hitting them?  He does a half-hearted swat that he calls a spanking but it's kind of more to emphasize his point I guess, since they don't seem to phase the kids at all.  If that was the kind of spanking I had gotten when I was little, I would have just done whatever I wanted and taken the spanking!  I prefer to make the kids work or take away privileges, which seems to make them far more miserable. 

Oh and btw, no other McDonald's trays appeared on the deck.  I was slightly disappointed.  I also never solved the mystery of where they came from. 

Registering and stuff

Tyler and I need to register for wedding gifts this weekend, but I feel weird about it.  Somehow it seems tacky, like we're saying you need to buy us a gift and this is what you're allowed to buy.  I guess it's not much different than Christmas lists, though.  And I get that it's helpful because people want to get you something that you'll actually use and they obviously have no idea what you have and don't have, but you're both assuming and expecting that people are going to buy you things.  Not that such a thing would be completely out of left field, given the situation!  I would probably be way more into it if we were a younger couple and just setting up a household, but I've been living on my own for years and he's been married before.  We have two already set up households.  Well, one and a half, I guess, considering most of his things are now either at the dump, being given to the ex or after all this time, need to be replaced.  And technically, while I do have an already established household, it is established for a small grouping of people, not 8 people.

Plus, and this is going to sound really selfish, I have nice things and I have carefully chosen these things over the years and spent lots of money on them and I know that they aren't going to last long with six kids around, so I really just want to not unpack them and hide them away until the kids are grown.  My decor, housewares, etc., have never needed to be kid-proof or kid-friendly, so pretty much they aren't.  I'm having visions of the heads of the dolls my grandpa bought in the 50's and 60's while stationed overseas being ripped off like Barbie heads.  What if one day I stumble across a cemetery of doll parts from around the world in the back yard?  Oh look, there's a head from Okinawa!  And there's half of the body of the doll from Peru!  And the legs of the flamenco dancer from Spain are just barely sticking out of the ground!  Ok, that may be a little bit dramatic (and slightly creepy), especially considering that all of those things have been packed up and in my parent's shed for the last 15 years, but you see what I mean!  Is my "Original Art Work Collection"* going to end up being drawn all over with crayons?  Is it silly that I'm even worried about it?  I think maybe this is just the way the fear of my impending complete 180 degree change in lifestyle is expressing itself.  But seriously . . . if my complete collection of 1937 Harvard Classics or my signed Amy Tans are destroyed, we're going to have some problems.  I feel like Mel Gibson in Braveheart . . . They may take my sanity, but they'll never take . . . MY BOOK COLLECTION!




*That is now its' official title.

The plot thickens . . .

One of the dogs was playing with yet another McDonald's tray tonight, so that explains the hole in the tray (both trays, actually), but where the heck are the trays coming from???  Here are the options I have come up with:

• My brother, Mark, is infamous for finding and bringing home random things like a tetherball pole with a cement stand but no ball, and a broken down sled-type thing that he tried to hook the dogs to and make them pull it.  He's been in China since February, though.  
• Someone knows I'm dieting* and is taunting me with thoughts of french fries.
• The Hamburglar is real and really is stalking me.

The night before the first tray appeared on the deck, there was a strange and mysterious noise outside that set the dogs to barking.  I was too lazy to get out of bed and check, plus I figured if it was someone trying to break in to kill me, that would just mean that I wouldn't have to worry about planning the wedding.  So that's where things stand.  We'll see if any other trays appear. 

Also, a quick update on the herpes in my eye:  it's still here, plus my lymph nodes are so swollen that you can see them sticking out of my neck.  The cold sore is getting a tiny bit better-I started putting some doTerra oils on it just in case stuff like that works.  My throat is still killing me, plus I have a rash on my belly and a strange and itchy bug bite on my cheek.  Basically my body is mutinying.

*I'm down to what I weighed when I was in high school, which is totally awesome, but I was fat in high school, so it's not quite as awesome as it could be.  Still working on it, though!