blah

I'm sitting here watching the recap of the Michael Jackson memorial. It's all just very sad. It's hard to hear about all the different drugs he was taking because I can completely relate. Obviously I never took anywhere near as much as he did, but I understand wanting to escape. I understand being willing to do whatever it takes to be able to fall asleep at night so that your brain will just stop running overtime. I understand the craziness that comes with the disease of addiction; the absolute obsession and preoccupation with getting your next fix. It's still crazy to me how after years of being clean, if something happens that I'm not sure how to deal with, the thought of using still goes through my mind. It doesn't happen all the time, and it may only be for a split second, but it's still there. It's like a dark cloud that just permanently hangs over your head. It doesn't always affect you, but it's always there, just waiting to swoop in. Of course there are things you can do to keep it at bay, but in the back of your mind you know the insanity will come back in a split second if you aren't careful. And what really, really sucks is that it will never go away. Ever. And every time another person dies of an overdose, whether it be a celebrity or a regular person, I think about how that could be me. I think about how at one point during my using I actually wrote a note and left it by my bed listing what I had taken and how much of it I had taken, so that if I was found unconscious (or worse), the EMT's would know better how to help me. Of course it didn't occur to me to just not use. The need to escape was too strong. I knew I could be killing myself, but I did it anyway. That's the definition of an addict-knowing the consequences, but doing it anyway because in that moment, when you're in full blown addiction, you just plain don't have a choice. So yeah, I can relate.

P.S. Don't worry, I'm not all depressed or anything, I promise! I'm grateful to be alive and sober, and this is just a good reminder to be careful with my thoughts and actions.

P.P.S. I apologize for any spelling or grammatical errors in this post. I don't want to reread it all, but I'm so completely anal about spelling and grammar that I can't let it go without acknowledging that there may be mistakes. That's what happens when your parents are both teachers.