I'm just not that into you.

I would like to apologize in advance-this post is probably going to make me sound like a horrible human being. I have accepted this about myself and, in fact, have come to embrace it. So here goes . . .

Signs that I'm just not that into you:

• I lose my phone or forget it at home a lot. (Yeah right, that thing is practically glued to my thumbs!)
  
• I answer your texts with carefully worded responses that do not require a further response on your part.
  
• I use lots of noncommittal phrases such as "We'll see." and "That's a possibility." My favorite is "We shall see . . . we shall see."
  
• You initiate most of our conversations.
  
• Everything I say is very general and in no way specific to you.
• When you try to hold my hand, I give your hand a little squeeze, then have to dig around in my pockets for something or I suddenly need a sip of my drink.

Reasons why I'm just not that into you:

• You text me stupid questions like "Have ya been thinking about me today?" Um . . . do you really want me to answer that?
  
• Even after I text you carefully worded responses that do not require any further response on your part, you still keep texting me.
  
• You are unable to spell basic words. Now and how are not spelled with an a.
• Your favorite tv show is Two and a Half Men.
  
• You keep offering to buy me things, and that kind of makes me feel like a prostitute.
• Even though you claim you have no problem with gay people, you don't really want any of them around you. Unless, of course, you have been forewarned that there might be homosexuals in the vicinity. Then you're good. It's just when they pop up out of nowhere that it's an issue.
  
• I'm happy for you that you go to the gym almost every night, but I don't really need to hear your gym experience described as including sweat, muscles and panting. That doesn't sound sexy, it sounds gross. And then when you add in throbbing muscles, it just makes me laugh at your attempt at sexy talk.

Reasons why I'm momentarily overlooking all of the previous items:

• I really, really like it when you play with my hair for an hour and a half straight, even though your wrist is quite obviously hurting.
  
• I live in the middle of nowhere in Wyoming; there really isn't much else to do.