Thursday, March 12, 2015

So that happened.

I keep meaning to get back to blogging, but I don't know what to say.  Or if I want to say anything.  Clearly I must want to say something, though, since I find myself here!  What I really want to do is scream and shout at Tyler and say/do anything I can to hurt him so that somehow we'll be even, but that's probably not the best choice right now. 

I ended up having to move back to Utah because I couldn't find a decent job in Idaho and leaving the kids is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.  As long as I don't think about them, I'm ok.  As long as I stay busy and don't wonder what they're up to, I can make it through the day.  I've only talked to them once since I left, but I'm going up there this weekend for Trysta's birthday.  Part of me feels selfish and horrible for not calling them more often, but the rest of me realizes that in order for me to go to work every day and function and not break down sobbing all the time, I need to have that distance for right now. 

I'm still not sure how we got to this point.  Tyler once gave me a whole list of all of the ways I had supposedly wronged him.  This was when he he was just staying out until all hours of the night with his "friends" and before I knew he was having an affair.  I now realize that he was looking for any possible reason to excuse his behavior, but at the time I felt horrible.  I even became a completely different person, constantly apologizing and begging him to tell me what I could do to make things better.  I literally feel nauseous when I think about it. 

But . . . life goes on.  I'm back to working for the company I was at before, running a different group home.  I'm in my mid-30s and living with my parents again, but that's ok because it's free and if I'm having a bad moment I don't have to be alone.  Life is all about experiences (good and bad) and now I have a few more stories to tell and hopefully a bit more wisdom. And I would love to end this Kumbaya moment by saying I wish Tyler and his girlfriend well, but I really don't.  Not at all.  I maybe wish them a lack of bad, but I don't wish them well.  Nope!