Thursday, October 15, 2015

Gosh Darn Hand of a Witch!

This is my witch hand.  It helps me ponderize.

It also helps me decide if someone's lying to me.

It's very useful when you need an extra hand...

Or finger...

But best of all, my witch hand helps me when someone thows a ball at me and it breaks my nose and I want to break all their bones, but instead I go take care of my nose.

Wednesday, October 14, 2015


I haven't been sleeping much lately, which means that I consume excess amounts of caffeine during the day, which perpetuates the vicious cycle.  Lucky for you, my insomnia means you get another post!  It's a Halloween miracle! 
  • I'm developing a serious addiction to first aid supplies.  Walgreens is my new happy place.  Also, and this is hypothetical and NOT AT ALL REAL LIFE, doctors should be aware that when patients are left alone in a room, cabinets will be looked in.  And, still hypothetically speaking, if you leave fun stuff in said cupboards, it may not be there later.  
  • I want to make it clear that in yesterday's post, nothing was left to my parents because obviously they died from hantavirus too.
  • I also want to make it very clear to my brothers that in that situation, I still want my share of mom and dad's money.  It will be put into a trust that I will leave very specific instructions for.
  • And just so everyone knows, I want to be cremated and I don't want a funeral, I want a festival.  A festival of joy and light!  And my favorite foods!  And other stuff!  
    • There should be a tattoo booth providing triple spiral tattoos (my tattoo) to everyone who wants one.  Obviously everyone can choose if they want one or not, but the following people have to get one:  Amber, Myrissa, Becca, Casie, Bree, Taryn, Lorri, Bonnie, Jeff and Mark.
    • I want my uncle Jeff to officiate at the festivities.
    • There should totally be a sweat lodge.
    • And a cotton candy machine.
    • Ryan Burns will perform an original rap that includes the phrase "get gettin'."
    • Everyone should receive a commemorative gift bag containing either a dog or a cat from the animal shelter.  
    • My nieces will perform an interpretive dance to Peter Gabriel's "In Your Eyes."
    • Other details will be provided at a later date.
  • I spent the entire day today stressing about people I left out of yesterday's list.  This is where the trust comes into play...there are experiences I want to leave to certain people, not belongings.  For example, my cousin Erin will be sent on the New Kids on the Block cruise and my friend Ginny will be provided with a year's worth of eyebrow waxing.  And a new pair of shoes.
  • I got to spend quality time with my bff Amber tonight.  We met at work years ago.  She trained me and only liked me because her enemy didn't like me.  Oh, and she thought I was a lesbian.  
  • It's curious how many people either don't like me or don't know what to make of me when we first meet.  It may be due to my lack of a filter.  And my snarkiness.  But in the end, they usually come around.  Ginny can verify this.
  • If you have spent any time around me in the last few months, you know that I'm obsessed with the Adnan Syed case.  In fact, if you've spent any time around me in the last few months, I've probably tried to order you to listen to the Serial podcast so that you will also become obsessed.  Sadly, no one has reached my level of obsession and I hate that I have no one to discuss details with, especially now that I have almost the entire case file.  For the record:
    • I don't think he did it.
    • I think Don did.
    • Avoid the Baltimore PD at all costs because weird things happen there.
    • My aunt and uncle used to live in the same area that all of the events took place.
    • I plan on visiting them and visiting all related sites.  Except Leakin Park.  That place freaks me out.  Actually, I really want to go to Leakin Park but someone will need to hold my hand the entire time we're there and then sit with me until I fall asleep that night so that I don't get scared because DEAD BODIES!
    • When I die from hantavirus I plan on finding out exactly what happened that day and as God is my witness, I will find a way to communicate my findings from the other side.  
  • If you have listened to Serial and enjoyed it and also have an obsessive personality like I do, you should check out the multiple subreddits about the case, as well as the Undisclosed, Serial Dynasty, Serially Obsessed, Crime Writers on Serial and Slate's Serial discussion podcasts.  
  • Sometimes I listen to old episodes of Undisclosed and Serial as I fall asleep.  Sarah Koenig and Rabia Chaudry have very soothing voices.  In fact, I think I'm going to put one on right now!  G'night, y'all!!

P.S. I know some of you are super bummed that I didn't leave you something or that the only thing I left you were items I originally pilfered from you and am now letting you have back.  Get over it!  I'm not dead yet...there's still time for me to leave you something, and once again, due to my obsessive personality, I've spent far too much time coming up with a new list.

P.P.S.  My apologies to Mark and Jessie, but upon further reflection, I've decided not to leave them my witch hand after all.  I now want my witch hand to be given to Brooklyn.  I think she'll appreciate it as much as I do.

Tuesday, October 13, 2015

Oh, I forgot this was still here!

Hey, remember when I used to blog on a regular basis?  Yeah, that was a long time ago.  Well, pine for me no longer!  I'm bored and avoiding anything remotely productive and as my 3 long time readers know, that means it's time for some bullet points!  Oh, and fear not, this time my post won't be obnoxiously depressing.  Yay!
  • All of my friends at work are significantly younger than me.  I like to regale them with stories of the good ole' days when rabbit ears were a thing and Beyonce was not.
    • Things that one or more of them are not familiar with:
      • New Kids on the Block
      • Columbine
      • My So-Called Life
      • Jem and the Holograms
      • Night games
      • The significance of Waco, Texas
      • War in Sarajevo
      • Kerri friggin' Strug!
  • I sent the following text today and I'm very proud of my amusing (and grammatically incorrect) sentence craftsmanship.
    • I have to say that if you want your little fairy tale to become reality, you better get to working some of that Southern voodoo shit on R, 'cause if you wait for him to come around on his own, you'll be waiting so long your grandbabies will be having grandbabies and R will be long dead from drowning in his own self pity!
  • The mice in the garage appear to have migrated to the house.  I can tell because I can hear them scurrying around in the ceiling above me every night when I'm trying to fall asleep.  And judging by the mouse trap I found the other day that was neither baited nor set, but simply placed on the floor, I don't think anyone else is as concerned about this as I am.  But it's o.k. though, because when we all die from hantavirus, at least we'll all die together.
  •  Since we're on the subject, when I finally succumb to the hantavirus (or any other rodent-borne virus, really), my final wishes are as follows:
    • All of my books other than my cookbooks, autographed Amy Tans, books my dad wrote and the Harvard Classics, go to Amber.  The cookbooks are to be equally divided between my nieces so that they may keep up the Kull family cookbook collecting tradition.  The Amy Tan books go to them too, with the explanation that I have a thing for Asian women.  Wait, no, don't say that!  Tell them that she was one of my favorite authors, it's important for women to know who they are, they should value their relationship with their mother and any future daughters they may have, there will always be hardships in life but they'll be o.k. if they stand tall with grace and wisdom, take strength from the women around you and finally, Chinese food is delicious.  The copies of the books my dad wrote (and that are personally inscribed to his favorite child, fyi!) should go to my nephews.  The complete set of Harvard classics should be given to my cousin Becky because they were Grandpa Brown's and she understands the importance of never ever getting rid of anything family history-related.  
    • My eyeshadow palettes go to Melissa and the rest of my make-up should be given to Amber and Myrissa.
    • My doll collection should be divided between my nieces with the stipulation that at least one doll must be displayed at all times so that when they catch the doll's eyes following their every move, they'll remember that Aunt Kimmy is always watching them from above and she'll see every naughty thing they do, especially when they're teenagers.  
    • All clothing items that I borrowed from Lorri and conveniently never gave back, should be returned to her.  She also gets first dibs at my clothes and purses.  Except for the sweater I kept from my grandma's clothes-that should go to Jessie.  (Jessie:  you'll know it when you see it-it has shoulder pads, is exceedingly colorful and is from the 80's.  If in doubt, look for something something that could be a Cosby sweater.)  Oh, and the yeti coat!  The yeti coat goes to Melissa. 
    • My collection of original pieces of art goes to Matthew and Melissa.
    • My collection of oddities (doll head, witch hand, possessed clown marionette, creepy monkey, etc.) goes to Mark and Jessie.
    • Meagan gets my blue goose figure and all of my Felicity and Veronica Mars dvds.
    • Anything related to stocking the bunker goes to Casie and Bree.  They'll know what to do with it.
    • Becca gets my yoga cat sculpture with the understanding that she will never remove the cat's fancy faux-diamond necklace.
    • Bonnie gets my Buddha pillow, Alex and Ani bracelets and any phentermine that I might have left when I pass.
    • All jewelry should be divided between Jessie and Melissa with the expectation that all of Gigi's vintage costume jewelry will be kept and re-purposed as something cute and etsy-ish.
    • My wedding ring should be melted down and made into necklaces for my nieces as a reminder that:
      • Your self-worth should never be determined by any outside force or individual.
      • Sometimes you'll feel like your world is crashing down around you, but don't let that be an excuse to behave badly.
      • If you make a choice and you absolutely know in your heart that it was the right decision, don't second guess yourself if it doesn't turn out how you thought it would.  The most important lessons in life are learned through trials and experiences, not by reading a book or watching a movie.
      • Your family and friends love you, so let them help you when you're at your weakest and your burdens are heavy.  Do the same for them when they're in need.
      • You might find that there are people in your life that you love with all your heart but being around them becomes so painful that you can't function.  Even though you can't imagine your life without them, you might have to take a step back and that's o.k.  It might be temporary or it might be permanent, but if you aren't o.k. physically, mentally or spiritually, you owe it to yourself to remove yourself from the situation.  Even if they don't understand right away, some day they will.
      • When you give your heart to someone there's always the chance that it might end up broken; but wounds heal, tomorrow's a new day and giving love to another person is always a good thing.
      • If someone treats you badly it's most likely not even about you; you can't love someone if you don't love yourself.  So when you find yourself being mean to another person, check yourself and remember that words can never be unsaid.  If you're like every other person on this planet, when someone hurts you your instinct will be to hurt them back.  If you take after your Aunt Kimmy, you may find that you're really good at it too!  Just keep in mind that no matter how much you hurt them back, it will never take away your own pain.  If someone throws a ball at you and it breaks your nose, you can break every bone in their body, but you still have a broken nose.  Instead of worrying about the other person, you should probably go take care of your nose because injuries that are left untreated just get worse and worse.  Well, let's be realistic...flip the other person off first and maybe say something about their mother's exceedingly large girth and then go take care of your nose.  (Don't tell your parents I said that, though.)
Well that sure took a turn, didn't it!  I'm going to go ahead and stop now.

Thursday, March 12, 2015

So that happened.

I keep meaning to get back to blogging, but I don't know what to say.  Or if I want to say anything.  Clearly I must want to say something, though, since I find myself here!  What I really want to do is scream and shout at Tyler and say/do anything I can to hurt him so that somehow we'll be even, but that's probably not the best choice right now. 

I ended up having to move back to Utah because I couldn't find a decent job in Idaho and leaving the kids is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.  As long as I don't think about them, I'm ok.  As long as I stay busy and don't wonder what they're up to, I can make it through the day.  I've only talked to them once since I left, but I'm going up there this weekend for Trysta's birthday.  Part of me feels selfish and horrible for not calling them more often, but the rest of me realizes that in order for me to go to work every day and function and not break down sobbing all the time, I need to have that distance for right now. 

I'm still not sure how we got to this point.  Tyler once gave me a whole list of all of the ways I had supposedly wronged him.  This was when he he was just staying out until all hours of the night with his "friends" and before I knew he was having an affair.  I now realize that he was looking for any possible reason to excuse his behavior, but at the time I felt horrible.  I even became a completely different person, constantly apologizing and begging him to tell me what I could do to make things better.  I literally feel nauseous when I think about it. 

But . . . life goes on.  I'm back to working for the company I was at before, running a different group home.  I'm in my mid-30s and living with my parents again, but that's ok because it's free and if I'm having a bad moment I don't have to be alone.  Life is all about experiences (good and bad) and now I have a few more stories to tell and hopefully a bit more wisdom. And I would love to end this Kumbaya moment by saying I wish Tyler and his girlfriend well, but I really don't.  Not at all.  I maybe wish them a lack of bad, but I don't wish them well.  Nope!

Wednesday, January 28, 2015

So much for that!

Well, I guess it's time to make the announcement . . . I'm getting divorced.  Tyler is having an affair.  I found out a couple months ago but was hoping that somehow we'd be able to work things out.  Unfortunately, or fortunately, depending on how you look at it, that's not going to happen.  So . . . now I try to put my life back together.  I'm planning on staying in Idaho to be near the kids because you divorce spouses, not kids.   Any prayers, whether they be for my sanity or for Tyler's junk to fall off, would be much appreciated!

Sunday, June 1, 2014

Chocolate Chip Cookies

I got this cookie recipe from a friend probably 15 years ago and it's the only one I use.  I have one copy* of it and I keep misplacing it, so I'm putting it on here for safe keeping!  Should you decide to make it, I like to add extra vanilla to make it extra delicious.

Tricia's Chocolate Chip Cookies

2 3/4 c. flour
1 tsp. baking soda
1 tsp. salt
1 c. butter
3/4 c. sugar
3/4 c. brown sugar
1 tsp. vanilla
2 eggs
chocolate chips

Sift together flour, baking soda and salt.  In a separate bowl, cream together butter and sugars.  Add vanilla and eggs.  Add in dry ingredients and mix.  Add chocolate chips.  Bake at 375 degrees for 9-11 minutes.

*I used to have more than one copy, but six kids means things get ruined really quickly!

Monday, January 13, 2014

Finding fulfillment in motherhood

My cousin, Wendy, wrote this post and this was my reply:

Wow, you're a terrible, horrible person for not feeling fulfillment in motherhood!  What's the matter with you?!?

Haha, just kidding!  I don't either.  I think it's easier to be fulfilled by a job because there are measurable goals and standards.  That's what I'm used to-finishing a project, getting the next raise or promotion, being recognized for my skills, etc.  Transitioning from career woman to mom hasn't been easy, although considering I'm used to working with people with disabilities, raising kids isn't hugely different.  :)

I love staying home with the kids, but at the same time, I don't know that it's hugely fulfilling.  I'm sure this is just my mindset because, like I said, I'm used to measurable goals.  How do you measure if you were successful each day with your family?  Granted, you can totally have a to-do list of things to cross off, but even those things can't always be measured.  Like if I need to clean the bathroom, does it count if the best I can do is pick the dirty clothes up off the floor and make sure there isn't any unflushed poo in the toilet?  Or does it need to be spotless?  In a house with 6 kids, a man and 4 animals, it will never be spotless.  And while part of being a responsible adult and parent is keeping the house clean (or in my case, just managing the mess), do household tasks really have anything to do with being a good mother? 
What defines being a good mother and nurturer?  Not losing your temper?  FAIL!  Making sure your child is potty trained and can count to ten?  FAIL!  Making sure homework is done every day?  FAIL!  Making sure your child is alive at the end of the day and did not suffer any major injuries?  SUCCESS!  See nobody told me about a mother's guilt before I got these kids.  Of course until you experience it, you just don't know.  I work really hard to not sweat the small stuff, but even so, it's hard not to feel guilty when you tell the kids to go watch a show because you want 5 minutes of peace.  Or when one of the kids complain to you that another one hit them and your solution is to tell them to go hit her back.*  (I so wish that I cared more about them hitting each other and calling each other names, but I just don't.  I want to tell them to get over it and I feel like I should put someone in time out or something like that, but I just really don't care.  Like seriously, the world isn't coming to an end because your sister called you stupid.  Get over it and move on!)
And speaking of discipline and naughtiness, how do you decide what's really important and what to ignore?  I lose my temper the most when the kids don't listen and don't do what they're told.  If I have to tell you to do something five times, the shit's gonna hit the fan.  Tyler, on the other hand, loses his temper the most when the kids are mean to each other.  My philosophy is that being mean is part of growing up with siblings and you should get over it.  I can't get upset about everything and I just naturally don't care as much about certain things, so there you go.  Would it be nice if they never said anything mean to each other and just wanted to spend every waking minute together because they loved each other oh, so much?  Yeah, it would, but it would also be creepy and no one likes creepy children. 
So anyway, now that I've rambled on, my point is I liked your post and can relate.  I, too, need to figure out how to find more fulfillment from motherhood.  Or maybe I need to figure out how to turn off the work and goal-oriented part of my brain and just enjoy the ride.

I've been thinking about this topic ever since I wrote the above response and here are some other thoughts:
  •  I don't think it's abnormal or wrong to not feel total fulfillment from motherhood.  I don't think it's something you need to try to force either.  Not being fulfilled by something doesn't mean you don't enjoy it.  I enjoy caramel corn, but it doesn't fulfill me.  
  • Part of being a well-rounded individual is finding fulfillment in different things at different times in your life.  Those women who are very fulfilled by motherhood right now will eventually find other things to fulfill themselves when their children are grown and out of the house.
  • People have different mindsets.  The environment in which I grew up shaped my thinking of the world, my priorities, my mindset and what I find joy in.  Not everyone grew up the way I did and that makes the world an interesting place.
  • Should we find joy in being a mother?  It'd probably be a good thing.  Does it have to define us, fulfill us and be the only thing we focus on?  Absolutely not.  
  • Stop comparing yourself to other moms and your kids to other kids!!!  I know someone who is so stinkin' competitive when it comes to her child and that has got to be exhausting.  I don't have the time nor the inclination to worry about what miraculous thing your child did.  I also don't give a flying f*#k about your exercise program, what Pinterest masterpiece you made, how wonderful your husband is (who exactly are you trying to convince with all your Facebook posts?) or how fabulous you look in your 10th selfie of the day.  What I do care about is the strange and mysterious smell in my house, the fact that there has been chocolate cupcake smeared into my sheets for the last couple days and the currently unknown location of my Kindle.  
So now that I've rambled on yet again, the conclusion I've come to is that people find fulfillment in different things and that's ok.  I'm ok.  You're ok.  We're all ok. 

*Just so you know, I don't encourage fisticuffs between the children.  When I tell them to hit the other person back, it diffuses the situation and instead of one child being mad and the other one crying, they look at each other and start laughing.