I feel unsettled and anxious. This is not good. When I feel this way I start to think and question things and want to make changes. Nothing good has ever come from a decision I've made while feeling like this. And I don't know why I feel this way. I think it's partly because I have discovered that a relationship is not what I thought it was. And maybe partly because I am finding that I am not willing to do some things that are expected of me. And also a little bit because my work schedule is such that I have far too much alone time.
It is always unsettling when you find out that the relationship you have with someone is possibly not what you thought it was. What makes it really suck is when you find this out through information that wasn't meant for your eyes. This means you can't question the person about it without bringing up the fact that you read something that was supposed to be anonymous. And I'm probably over-analyzing what happened (ha! imagine that!) and taking it the wrong way, but that doesn't change the fact that now I'm wondering if things are not what I think they are with other people as well. Maybe I don't have people figured out quite like I think I do.
Someone has asked, or rather told me, that I need to do certain things, and this person is holding future opportunities over my head if I don't do these things. It's nothing horrible, but it's definitely stuff that I think is unnecessary and I don't want to do it. I think that it will turn me into someone I don't want to be. I have already dabbled in this endeavor and was far from pleased with the outcome.
I work from 4 until midnight, Monday through Friday. My roommate works pretty much the exact opposite shift as I do. We're lucky to see each other for about an hour each day. I know very few people in the area and am not sure how to go about meeting people, given the hours that I am available during the day. This means I spend all day by myself. It's never good to have that much time on your own. Or at least for me it's not. Normally I would have the weekends to go do things, but it seems like we're always short staffed, so I end up working part of the weekend. And my roommate has her daughter, who is disabled, at the house most weekends, which I love, but it also means we don't really go anywhere. And I think people here are all kind of in hibernation for the winter. Everything closes earlier in the winter and it's dark and cold and snowy, so really, why would you even want to leave the house? So I guess the rambling of this paragraph can be summed up by saying I'm a wee bit lonely.
Alright, so there's my little pity party, written out for everyone to read. I'm going to try to go ahead and get over myself now. :)